also kelly’s in this
oh my god
Impatient customer, I know you don’t want me to offer you any rewards cards today, and I understand if your day’s been crappy and that you’re carrying out a chore by being here, and it’s one of those things that has to get done, but is still just an enormous inconvenience thrown on top of everything else. I mean. I work here. I definitely understand that.
And I would really, really much rather let you get on with your day and make this transaction as quick and painless as possible for both me and you. I don’t want to throw this petty, robotic question at you that we’re required to ask (especially when there are so many more sincere forms of the question out there but we’re confined to this one.) This is partially because I know you’ll say no, but also because I really do want you to have an okay day, and I understand how it is when you’re so stressed out and rushed that the smallest thing can set you off. I wish I could just leave you alone like you want, I really do, and spouting this script at you, instead of being able to deal with you as a human being with individual circumstances, versus Customer #573464576, makes me feel like I’m taking a dump on you as a person.
But here’s the thing. I have to say it. I’m also offering this stuff AS I am ringing you up and doing everything I need to, so I am not really wasting your time by asking Obligatory Question #2563564.
Plus, I have to say it.
Did I mention that I HAVE to say it?
We’re alike, customer. I don’t want to be here. You don’t want to be here. I don’t want to ask you. You don’t want me to ask you. I don’t want to act like Generic Retail Worker, and you don’t want to be treated like Generic Customer. But we both have to be here, and I DO have to ask you.
So please, just let me say it, tell me “no,” and everything will be just a little less awkward. I promise this shit-eating retail smile is not here to make you more irritated, and believe it or not, I actually do want you to have a good day.